I havent written in this blog for ages and the reason is because i felt no need to express my thoughts and ideas.i talk too much aredy so putting words into writing just seems like tedious work.but today I feel like I am stuck in this box of silence where talking about it to friends-even those closest to you is absolutely whiny and this topic I could not speak of without dropping a tear.I;m a drama queen and I do not want to tarnish my grandfather's eulogy by breaking down and crying infront of ppl.I want to be those people to think I'm one brave soldier putting on a strong solid front.no tears no snot.but I cant.I want to vent.I want to talk about my grandfather.I want people to listen or in this case to read about him.To honor him even in this small little way.My own way of remembering him.We humans forget and that's the best healing power for the heart.Something that god has geniusly thought of while creating us.Another proof of his unbounded power.But sometimes you just want to be reminded of things dear to you.

While I continue this,let it be known that my hands are shaking and my heart is pounding.My friend is sleeping literally beside me and yet she has no idea as to what I'm going through.I sound so dramatic right now but a million emotions are going through my head.

My grandfather passed away at the age of 90.Many will nod their head and say,old age. Atleast he had a chance to really live and to that I cannot deny.He lived through the Japanese invasion of Malaya,sweet sweet independence the 1970s hippie era and even the crazy 21st century.He must have had a million stories to tell but I could never understand him.His regional klate accent was too thick and I could never seem to bother.I do remember listening to him talk about the Japanese and how he needed to peel the coconuts for the Japs.How he hated certain people and certain ideas.He was certainly passionate.Passionate about what he believed and I know from my mom that if he said one thing,that was it.That's truth.In reflection,my mom and I are alike in that way.To think that it took death for me to figure it out.

He was a great man my grandfather,Everyone would say that about their grandparents but truth is I dont have comparison.I never met and dont have the slightest recollection of my other grandparents so he was it.He was my extended relation.I never talk to him since we cant seem to understand each other.Literally.But every time he spoke to me and I nod and smile listening to him talk,I would always get one huge smile back.One huge toothless smile from him.And for that I hope I remember forever.

with all honesty.I don't think of him all the time and I never know him well,other than my mom's stories of him and his discpline.How she would come home late and face such severe scoldings.How he would work hard with wife to feed their 6 children.How he would teach mengaji petang2 on the steps of his house and how much he loved his family.With all these memories I hope I carve him in my thoughts.

My mixed bag of emotion.I;m sad because I lost a person integral to my life,to my family.I'm remorseful because Im here while everyone is saying goodbye one last time but I'm also elated because I know that he's gone to a better place.Where InsyaAllah he is young and getting ready to meet his maker.And for that,this post is my own personal goodbye.

Ya Allah,aku memohon kepadamu tuhan yang maha pemurah lagi maha adil.Ampunilah dosa atukku,kesalahannya walau sebesar kuman dan persenangkanlah perjalanannya.Terimalah taubat dan amalan2nya.Amin....