Why I'm stumped..

For all those who has remotely ever seen me before,my physical attributes are not so attractive.Yes,i admit it.I was morbidly obese and I was stuck in that condition for years.When I was a child,i Was merely chubby( i was literally cute and adorable) bt as years past by,more pounds just clinged on to me for dear life.My mom(who I know is right) keep telling me,long you should watch your weight,you;re young and yOu have a whole life ahead of you but me being as stubborn as an ass(i weighed like an ass too!),I bluntly refused.This is my weight problem and no one should tell me what I should and should not do.So my school times passed on with me being a social retard since I:m fat and well useless.I;ve never quite told anyone this but even my own friends thought i was slow and lazy And I wasnt,That was seriously a betrayal beyond belief.MY cikgu seni when i was in f5 was was like godsent and she would let us seniors hang out at her art studio if we want to skip classes in exchange for some help and we did but i Vividly remember her saying,farah,x payah la tolong.biar ....(let them not be named ) tolong,diorng rajin skit.I wouldnt be so disgruntled if indeed I was a lazy cow on my chair,calling my movements to find a comfortable position 'work' than by all means say that to me,but I was not.Honest.I worked hard,even more than those skinny girls yet you think they;d notice .no.the skinny girls get the recognition.Yes i was slower in movements and didnt float about the air like the skinny ones when they walk but I will not be called lazy,not when Idont deserve to.I know you ppl will be saying wats the point of this blog,get to your motives you sloww ass..Im gettin to it.My fantasy as a fat girl,is to be thin.To be in this euphoriac state of happiness when I;m thinner.MY dreams will all come true.My prince charming and my life will just fall into place.NO more feeling insecure,no more feeling unworthy.And i held on to that fantasy for dear life.But life isnt all black and white right.I am now a little smaller.MY accumulated weight loss is nearing 20 kgs but surprise2 I miss being fat.At first,I was in a stage of euphoria,I could fit into clothes i could just dream about b4.PPl complimented me and so on.But today,I"m stumped.

I realize today that I can never be picture perfect.That my fantasy will not come ture.Im thinner but Im not happier.Im constantly questioning as to y im still not attractive.The older me wud have just said ,alah fa,ur fat.no one;s looking at you but the new me is still as unhappy as ever..I dont know what im really trying to say.But all i know is I miss being fat.Atleast I knew under all det layer my true self is there,ppl might jeer and sneer but I still am me.My life is full of dissattisfaction.I dont know whether its because Of my fantasy or whther I just havent found the new me yet.I do hope i find her soon tho cos I really miss the old me..

P/s.I dunt know what im writing here.All i know is tat being thinner doesnt solve any of my problems like i thot it wud...tat sucks ..i know!